Change: It’s worth the effort

An Assembling God’s Puzzle video

By Fr. Garry Richmeier

When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling, they are usually looking for help in changing something in their relationship. I’ve learned over the years to be very clear with each person what level of change they are looking for, because it is easy for people to confuse first order change with second order change.

Here is an example that helps explain the difference.

A couple comes to counseling and they both want to have fewer hurtful fights. He asks her what he needs to change on his part. She says he needs to get off the computer and listen more to her when she is talking. And he should always call when he is going to be late. And he needs to be nicer to her mother when she visits. So he agrees to make these changes if that will reduce arguments, and they leave the counseling office. A month later the couple returns to report that they are still having the same number of fights. He states that in that month, he has called when he was going to be late, spent less time on computer, and made extra effort to talk to her mother. She agrees he made those changes, but it had no effect on the arguments.

He, and possibly she, thought that making some relatively easy and simple behavioral changes would accomplish what they wanted. That is first order change. It’s like changing your house by rearranging the furniture or painting the walls a different color. It is a change, but not a very substantial one.

This couple, especially the wife, was really looking for second order change in the relationship. This type of change is much more substantial, extensive, and requires more work and energy. It is like changing one’s house by taking out some walls to open up a new area, putting in a new window to let in light, adding on a sun room, etc.

In order to reduce fighting, this couple would probably need to tackle second order change. This would include not just changing a few behaviors, but would mean reaching some new understanding and appreciation for each other. It would mean making changes, not just in behavior, but in how they see each other, and how they communicate their love for each other.

A piece of the puzzle of being human is that we are not too comfortable with change. And when we do need to change, we would rather it be fairly quick and easy. Plus we live in a society where we can change many things with a simple push of a button, swallowing a pill, or having a 15 minute zoom call. We get lulled into the false notion that any change can be made quickly, with a minimum of effort, and that immediate results will follow. In short, we want first order change. If it doesn’t happen that way, we tend to think that there is something wrong — with me, with the process, with the other person who was responsible, or whatever.

In reality, there may not be anything wrong. The situation may be calling for second order change instead of first order change.

We do ourselves a favor by not confusing the need for first order change with the need for second order change. One thing that is helpful in this regard is to be very clear about what the change is that I want, especially in relationships. Is it simply that I want my spouse to get the garbage out on time, or is it that I want my spouse to respect my wishes and desires more, and emptying the trash promptly is one piece of that? Also important is cultivating a healthy level of patience. Second order change usually takes more time and effort, and the results often don’t show up quickly. Persistence, perseverance, and patience are requirements for not going crazy when working on second order change. This includes patience with self and with others.

And the old saying still holds true: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. Beneficial changes last only if they are built on a firm foundation, and constructed with quality materials.

In relationships, this means not skimping on the essentials — reflective listening to each other, the practicing of humility in stating one’s views, the respect given to another, the patience used to deal with each other, and the communication of care, concern, and love for the other person.

Sometimes effective changes are as simple as pushing a button or asking someone to do something different, and first order change works. But it is good to recognize when more is needed, and step up to the challenge of second order change. It is harder, but is usually worth the work.

All of the videos in this series can be found here: Assembly God’s Puzzle.

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[Fr. Garry Richmeier, a Precious Blood priest and spiritual director, holds a Master’s of Divinity Degree from St John’s University in Collegeville, Minnesota, and a Master’s of Counseling Psychology degree from the University of Missouri-Kansas City. He is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed marriage and family therapist.]

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